


Thou Shalt Not...

by AniRay



Series: Commander [2]
Category: The Handmaid's Tale (TV)
Genre: But I tagged them anyway, Cuz i can, Internal Conflict, Not even Nick/June, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-10
Updated: 2019-08-10
Packaged: 2020-08-14 13:10:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20192839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AniRay/pseuds/AniRay
Summary: She shouldn't look at him that way. It was wrong. She was married.





	Thou Shalt Not...

**Author's Note:**

> This is meant to be read after Ch. 2 of Commander

He was there again. In the garden. She had seen him walking the perimeter a few times before. But this time he was closer to the house- she could see him more clearly. He had dark hair, but his eyes were light- blue maybe. He moved through the garden and she couldn't help but think how handsome he was. His uniform fit him well. The all black made him seem noble and mysterious at the same time. And he walked with such purpose.

She wished she had that- purpose.

She thought of her family. She thought of her room back home- the one she shared with her sister. That room had always felt so full of possibilities. She had known what God wanted of her- what her life would be. And she had welcomed it. When they told her she would be married, she had cried tears of joy. But only after she had arrived in this new place did she realize how lost she really was. Her purpose was to take care of her husband. She was supposed to manage the household in the way of the Lord. She was to bear children for her husband- for Gilead.

That was what God wanted for her- from her.

But all the hope and confidence she had felt on her wedding day was slowly fading. Their Marta tended the house. Her husband barely spoke to her. He barely looked at her. And he never touched her. They hadn't even consummated their marriage yet. He always disappeared into his study and then he would sleep in a separate bedroom.

Her parents had never done that. She could remember sneaking into their room at night after a nightmare and crawling in between the two of them. She could remember hearing her mother giggling quietly in their room as her father told silly jokes. It had been such a happy place. It was what she had thought her new home would be.

Now she slept alone. Now she had a silent husband. Now she felt lost and adrift because as much as she wanted to, she could not do what God wanted. So she planted a garden. She threw her heart into tending to God's earth. She had hoped it would fill the void left by her husband. And in many ways it did.

But as soon as _he_ had arrived for the first time, she had felt a change. She still wished to bear children for her husband. She still wanted him to love her and let her love him. But now she watched the gardens for a black uniform instead of for yellow tulips. She felt her heart race when the Guardians changed shift in the afternoons. She looked for dark hair with light eyes more than she listened for the sound of her husband coming home.

And though she was ashamed, she couldn't stop. She shouldn't look at him that way. It was wrong. She was married. But something about Guardian Isaac made her feel excited. Her mother had used the word giddy once, and it felt like the right word for this, too. Something that left her feeling breathless and lightheaded. Something that made something warm swirl low in her stomach. Yes, giddy was the right word.

She blinked- her eyes focusing again. Her heart stopped for a moment. Because somehow he had made it around the garden. He was standing along the fence to her left. A respectable distance, not intrusive at all. But he was looking at her. And this close she could see that his eyes _were_ blue.

Her heart resumed beating, but much faster. The swirling sensation grew more intense. But she liked it. She shouldn't- she didn't even know what it meant. But somehow she knew it would not please God. Still, she couldn't look away. Even as her cheeks burned. Even as her palms grew damp. She couldn't look away. Was this what Ruth felt when she looked at Boaz? Was this why David stole Bathsheba?

_Thou shalt not commit adultery._

She lowered her eyes.

_Anyone who looks lustfully after another has committed adultery in his heart._

She stepped away from the window.

_She would not dishonor God or her husband. _

She turned towards the door.

_She would not sin against God._

She stepped out of the room and headed to her room.

_She would not sin against her_ _husband_. 

She didn't look back.

_She would not be like Lot's wife._

The image of dark eyes came to her mind.

_Thou shalt not commit adultery._

Strong hands held a black rifle.

_Thou shalt not commit adultery._

Blue eyes flashed before her.

_Thou shalt not..._


End file.
